Beyond Regret Living Victoriously in Christ After Abortion

If you read or hear negative messages that call you a murderer or killer for choosing abortion, remember that you are not alone. To God, your abortion has never been a secret. He loved you then and He still loves you now. His love will never end. God can help you endure. Many “titans” of the Bible (Moses, David, and Paul) were murderers. God can/will still use you for His glory despite a past abortion decision. 

The Murderer or Killer Label

The caller during a radio interview shouted in my ear, “How dare she compare her loss to my miscarriage. After all, she MURDERED her child!”

No one had ever attacked me in such a way. The conversation up until that point with the show’s host and the director of the local pregnancy center involved a compassionate discussion about PTSD as it relates to abortion.

When we took this call, I had just shared a portion of my own abortion testimony. We compared abortion grief to what many mothers feel after miscarriage. The grief element can be much the same. The hope of God’s healing was outlined along with assurances of no judgment and confidentiality if someone wanted to attend the center’s abortion recovery program.

With just a few words, this caller shattered the safety zone we had tried to establish for wounded post-abortive hearts. In doing so, she highlighted the worst form of judgment that any post-abortive person could expect – she labeled me a “murderer.” If I had just received that judgment directly on-air, how could listeners expect to be received if they should make such a confession?

Thankfully, the director responded for me. Calmly and lovingly, she spoke to all listeners about God’s grace and mercy. I was comforted as was the harsh caller by her words. Clearly, she was in deep pain.

I didn’t speak much more, and the interview concluded. Her comment had silenced me quickly. Internally I was fighting the warfare that these comments stirred in my heart. The word “murdered” rang in my head continuously. Guilt was reignited followed by a quick conclusion that I could never be effective for Christ. Shame poured down on my head like a river.

That led to a good cry as I tried to process my emotions. I was spiritually mature enough to know my negative conclusions were what the enemy wanted me to believe. I’m sorry to admit I stayed in that zone for a while. This incredibly wounded woman had hurt me deeply. Sometimes it’s not that hard to draw blood from my abortion wound, despite the fact it has been healed for many years. I took the rest of the day off.

To compare a young woman heading into an abortion clinic to someone who commits first-degree murder is clearly unsuitable. Neither is it Christ-like or productive in stopping abortion. Since an average one third of all American women have experienced abortion, killer/murder terms have more power to wound than any other terms in our vocabulary.

In talking to tens of thousands of post-abortive women over the last 30 years in ministry, as well as those considering abortion, I have never known or heard of a woman who entered an abortion clinic in a truly murderous mindset. The image of an ISIS terrorist brandishing a knife to a Christian’s throat doesn’t compare to a young woman who feels she has no other choice but to abort.

Abortion rarely brings gleeful thoughts about an unborn child’s impending demise. If you have ever waited in the reception area of an abortion clinic or in their recovery room after an abortion as I have, the emotions gravitate towards fear, pain, and sorrow. The majority are there due to someone else insisting they abort as well.

I saw a social media post recently that read, “I was on my way to kill my daughter when some folks pointed me in a better direction…” While happy with the overall story that the woman did not abort, I was deeply impacted by her use of the word “kill.” Like “murder,” kill can devastate those who are barely hanging on in this world, believing their own depressed conclusions that they have committed an unforgivable sin and there is no hope for them.

There was a point in my healing where I recognized that I had taken the life of my own child versus a blob of tissue. By that time, God had already prepared the soil around my soul to grasp the truth of my actions. I couldn’t blame anyone else despite my boyfriend’s deep abortion coercion. No one dragged me onto that abortion table. I had walked in all on my own, like a lamb to slaughter.

I had the ultimate guilt and responsibility in allowing my child to pass. Thankfully, through Christ’s ultimate sacrifice on the cross, along with a local post-abortion recovery program, I was set free from the bondage of that sin and allowed His peace that passes all understanding into my heart. That does not mean I don’t still wince when someone refers to my demographic as killers or murderers.

I’ve had several people in my life who served prison sentences for first-degree murder. They were also post-abortive before the time of their crime. While it cannot be blamed entirely, their abortion trauma was part of the puzzle that led them into other future destructive and dysfunctional behaviors.

Obviously, those behaviors led to criminal activity and then a prison sentence. These individuals outlined for me the difference between abortion and planning/murdering a person standing in front of you. Taking the life of a human versus the denial that our child was an actual human are very different things. Yet even then, if God can forgive and use Moses, David, and Paul, He can use our child’s death to bring many to His healing and build your faith.

The use of these terms in our presence won’t stop anytime soon. We need to find a way to cope. The first step is to take the label hostage and depersonalize it. The individual that shares such terms are intent on discouraging abortion decisions versus wounding us. They do not mean to throw their hate in our direction.

If you have never experienced abortion and refer to it as murder or killing, be sure to add a compassionate statement for those of us who are post-abortive – I know I’m talking to many who may have experienced abortion. I want you to know that there is no sin God cannot forgive and heal, just like He did in the lives of Moses, David, and Paul in the Bible.

Remember Paul’s explanatory words relating to his own past murderous actions in II Timothy 1:12-17 NIV: I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.